


8.04 Zero Hour

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-25
Updated: 2006-03-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:03:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of Zero Hour, with audience participation.





	8.04 Zero Hour

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem _very_ familiar.  
A reminder: SNIT = Sam Needs Intensive Therapy  
 **Disclaimer:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. Personally, I think the red, white and blue bunting looks rather pretentious. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only.   


* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1

[FLASHBACK-A-RAMA. BA'AL TORTURING JACK. OUR HEROES RECOVER A ZPM IN THE LOST CITY. CAMULUS REQUESTS ASYLUM AND THE KILT FANS FIX UP A ROOM FOR HIM, AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, JACK GETS A PROMOTION.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

FIVE DAYS TO ZERO HOUR...

[CHEVRON GUY AND JACK HOMAGE M*A*S*H, BUT WE'LL FORGIVE THEM THIS TIME, BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY AMUSING.]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[AS JACK ENTERS, HE SEEMS A MAN SITTING IN FRONT OF HIS DESK. JACK CALLS ON CHEVRON GUY TO TELL HIM WHO IT IS.]

CHEVRON GUY: Mark Gilmor. He's your new administrative aide.

JACK (TO CHEVRON GUY): Did I order one of these?

CHEVRON GUY: No, Sir.

JACK (TO CHEVRON GUY): Do I really need...?

CHEVRON GUY: Yes, Sir.

AUDIENCE: You don't think he's excited to be passing the baton, as it were?

SLASHERS: Don't taunt us with such imagery.

CHEVRON GUY: He was assigned by General Hammond.

JACK: Ah! Well, in that case, welcome aboard.

INT. GILMOR'S OFFICE

GILMOR: Well, he's not like other Generals.

CHEVRON GUY: Actually, he's not like other *people*.

AUDIENCE: Chevron Guy's got some dirt on Jack, doesn't he?

CHEVRON GUY: I can't tell you how happy we all are to have you here.

GILMOR: Thank you, Sergeant.

CHEVRON GUY: Really, *really* happy.

GILMOR: Thank you... Sergeant.

AUDIENCE: OK, we get it, General Jack sucks.

SLASHERS: He sucks just fine. Ask Daniel.

NOROMOS: [sigh] Here we go again.

[CHEVRON GUY LEAVES, AND GILMOR TALKS TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE.]

GILMOR: I'm in position. No, Sir, he does not suspect a thing.

AUDIENCE: This doesn't bode well.

WRITERS: [preen] We just knew you'd be surprised by that suspenseful plot twist.

AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah. Outside interference with SGC affairs has *never* been done before. We'd sort of hoped you'd come up with something new. *That* would have boded well.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK AND CHEVRON GUY ARE WORKING OUT EVENT DECORATING DETAILS WHEN GILMOR ENTERS.]

GILMOR: Excuse me, Sir. General Hammond is on the phone from the Pentagon and SG-1 is here for the 1300 briefing.

JACK: Walter, I just don't have the decorating gene. Would you mind?

SLASHERS: We thinks the Jack doth protest too much.

CHEVRON GUY: Yes, Sir.

AUDIENCE: That "yes" means he does or doesn't mind?

MILITARY MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: It really doesn't matter. Trust us.

[JACK CHATS WITH HAMMOND ON THE PHONE.]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[SG-.75 ARE WAITING TO TALK TO JACK, WHO'S STILL ON THE PHONE. GILMOR IS PACING. JACK FINALLY ENTERS.]

JACK: You've all met?

DANIEL: Yes, actually, we know each other's life stories.

SLASHERS: And then some.

 

JACK (TO DANIEL): That snippiness?

DANIEL: Is that a word?

SLASHERS: Translation: You're *so* sleeping on the couch.

[THE TEAM REPORTS THEY'VE FOUND A GATE ADDRESS FOR A PLANET THAT WAS IN ANUBIS' DOMAIN THAT BA'AL HASN'T DISCOVERED YET. THEY HOPE IT'S CHOCK FULL OF WEAPONS, AND THEY HAVE A DEVICE ACQUIRED FROM JAFFA FORMERLY LOYAL TO ANUBIS THAT SHOULD ALLOW THEM ACCESS TO THE BASE. JACK ASKS GILMOR WHEN THE NEXT OPENING IS AVAILABLE.]

GILMOR: 0800 tomorrow morning.

SAM: Tomorrow?

SNIT: What part of 0800 *tomorrow* morning did you not understand?

[SAM SAYS THE MALP SHOWED NO SIGN OF GOA'ULD, BUT JACK INSISTS ON SG-3 GOING ALONG TO COVER THEIR FLANK.]

SAM: It's just recon.

JACK: All the more reason you can wait another day.

SNIT: She sounds like a pouting child and he sounds like the long-suffering daddy.

NOROMOS: You have *no* idea.

S/J SHIPPERS: No! No! He's protectively taking care of his newly promoted one true love.

AUDIENCE: Because a USAF officer who can't take care of herself on a standard recon should definitely be promoted.

S/J SHIPPERS: He knows she can take care of herself, he just worries!

[AN INCOMING WORMHOLE ANNOUNCEMENT IS MADE. SG-5 AND REPS FROM AMORA HAVE ARRIVED TO DISCUSS A TRADE AGREEMENT.]

JACK: Oy! Love to stay and chat.

DANIEL: Jack, if those rebel Jaffa know about it, it's only a matter of time before Ba'al knows about it.

JACK: One day, Daniel. One day.

[AFTER JACK LEAVES, DANIEL AND TEAL'C LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW INTO THE GATEROOM AT THE ARRIVING DELEGATES.]

DANIEL: Here comes one negotiation I'm glad I'm not part of.

S/J SHIPPERS: What a friend Jack has in Dr. Snarkson!

SLASHERS: Well, he had to get himself on the couch with Jack *some*how.

INT. DR. LEE'S LAB

[JACK'S LOOKING AT A PLANT THROUGH A MAGNIFYING GLASS.]

JACK: It's a plant.

LEE: Exactly! 20 minutes ago it was a seed.

GILMOR: Excuse me, Sir, if you don't mind my asking. Is it really wise to be bringing alien life forms through the Gate?

JACK: It's a plant.

[LEE TAKES ON SAM'S USUAL TECHNOBABBLE ROLE, SAYING THAT TEAMS FOLLOW STRICT SAFETY PROTOCOLS ABOUT WHAT TO BRING BACK TO EARTH.]

AUDIENCE: Hasn't been watching the show, right?

JACK: It's a plant.

AUDIENCE: Maybe if you keep re-stating the obvious, Jack, it will sprout little leafy glowing eyes and you can shoot it!

[LEE BABBLES ABOUT HOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY SOLVE WORLD HUNGER. JACK LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.]

JACK: Speaking of which.

AUDIENCE: Lock up the pie.

[AS JACK IS LEAVING, LEE RECEIVES A PHONE CALL SAYING THEY WANT JACK IN THE BRIEFING ROOM.]

INT. SAM'S LAB

[SAM'S WORKING ON HER LAPTOP AS DANIEL AND TEAL'C ENTER. DANIEL ASKS IF SHE WANTS TO GET SOME LUNCH, BUT SHE SAYS NO.]

DANIEL: You just going to sit in here all day and uh...

SAM: I'm not sulking.

DANIEL: Working, going to say working.

SNIT: Come on, Daniel. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

TEAL'C: O'Neill merely believes that...

SAM: Guys, I'm fine.

SLASHERS: Can somebody define "conduct unbecoming" for us again, please? And why it's so selectively applied?

DANIEL: You know, you can hardly blame him for wanting to send backup. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you...

SNIT: Please. *Everything* has to do with her nowadays.

SAM: I understand. He's just being cautious.

[TEAL'C AND DANIEL SMILE AT CARTER, THUNKS ARE HEARD AROUND THE WORLD.]

SAM: Thanks, guys.

SNIT: [gag]

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: [sigh] More mops, please. Between the drooling and the gagging, we'll *never* get this place clean.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND GILMOR EXIT AN ELEVATOR AND ARE MET BY CHEVRON GUY, WHO SAYS THE AMORANS ARE ACTING LIKE BICKERING CHILDREN.]

JACK: Maybe they need a time-out.

BDSMERS: Or a good spanking.

MAJOR DAVIS FANS: Is Major Davis going to be involved in *that* part of the negotiations?

BSMERS: Nah. That wienie safewords if you pat his ass. He'd never hold up to the real thing.

AUDIENCE: And you know this... how? No! Never mind! And put that away!

BDSMERS: [sulk]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[TWO AMORANS ARE BICKERING AS JACK AND GILMOR ENTER. JACK TELLS THEM THEY SHOULD TAKE A BREAK, AND HE'S GOING TO SHOW THEM THEIR SPECIAL QUARTERS.]

SLASHERS: Special quarters? [snicker]

INT. VIP QUARTERS

[JACK GIVE THEM A FIVE SECOND TOUR, THEN HEADS FOR THE DOOR.]

AMORAN #2: You don't expect us to share one room?

JACK: Not... amicably, at first. But I have great hope for you boys.

SLASHERS: They're giving us this one on a silver platter! Jack's playing Cupid!

SNIT: Should've locked Black Widow Carter in there. That would really solve the problem because they'd be deader than dead.

[JACK LEAVES, LOCKING THE TWO IN AND TELLS THE GUARD NOBODY GETS OUT.]

SLASHERS: And ignore any noises you might hear.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK STARTS TYPING A LETTER TO HAMMOND.]

JACK: Dear General Hammond. Wish you were here, and that I was not.

HAMMOND FANS: Can we sign that memo too?

INT. CORRIDOR

FOUR DAYS TO ZERO HOUR...

[JACK EXITS THE ELEVATOR AND IS MET BY GILMOR. HE TELLS JACK THE AMORANS ARE FURIOUS AND SAY THERE'S NO CHANCE FOR AN AGREEMENT NOW.]

JACK: Did they try the doughnuts? You made sure they were Krispy Kremes right?

AUDIENCE (CHANNELING HOMER SIMPSON): Dooooughnut. Aaah. [...] Sorry, been around Jack too long.

[JACK SAYS TO HOLD THE AMORANS FOR ANOTHER DAY. GILMOR SAYS DR. LEE WANTS TO SEE JACK RIGHT AWAY, AND HORROR OF HORRORS, THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE BUNTING IS UNAVAILABLE.]

JACK: No bunting?

GILMOR: They can get some blue and white. And mix in some red.

JACK: It just won't be the same.

AUDIENCE: Why aren't they letting him decorate with the heads of System Lords on pikes? Nothing makes a statement about the SGC quite like a dead System Lord.

INT. GATEROOM

[SG-.75 PREPARES TO DEPART.]

JACK: Sure wish I was going with you. But I got a big day planned... tasting menu items for the buffet.

AUDIENCE: Pie is secure?

[SG-.75 AND SG-3 HEAD TOWARDS THE RAMP.]

JACK: Mind the curfew.

S/J SHIPPERS: [happy sigh]

SNIT: Yeah, 'cause there's definitely no one ELSE on that ramp.

SLASHERS: Jack knows better than to patronize Danny that way.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET

[AS SOON AS THEY'RE THROUGH THE GATE, SAM ORDERS COLONEL REYNOLDS OF SG-3 TO STAY AT THE GATE.]

SAM: We're fine, simple recon, we'll stay in radio contact.

AUDIENCE: Famous. Last. Words.

SNIT: And it took her about five seconds to disobey the intent of Jack's order. Smooth.

S/J SHIPPERS: No! No! She's proving to him that she can take care of herself!

SNIT: Still proving herself after all these years? How... sweet.

S/J SHIPPERS: We knew you'd see it our way.

SNIT: Uh... that's not quite...

NOROMOS: We're begging you to let it drop.

INT. DR. LEE'S LAB

[SILER IS HACKING AWAY AT THE PLANT, WHICH HAS OVERGROWN THE LAB.]

AUDIENCE: Damn, someone bought out the local hobby shop's supply of fake greenery, didn't they? Or was it "Bring Your Plant to Work Day" at Bridge Studios and everyone participated?

LEE: Well, the good news is it hasn't eaten anybody yet.

JACK: Well, thank you, Seymour.

 

[LEE LAUGHS, AND EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE WHO HASN'T SEEN LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS WONDERS WHAT JOKE THEY JUST MISSED OR THINKS MAYBE DR. LEE HAS CHANGED HIS FIRST NAME. LEE SAYS THE PLANT RESPONDS DRAMATICALLY TO VISIBLE LIGHT, SO JACK TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS IN THE ROOM. LEE SAID THEY'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT, BUT HE THOUGHT JACK MIGHT WANT TO SEE IT.]

EXT. ALIEN PLANET WOODED AREA (AREN'T THEY PRETTY MUCH ALL THIS WAY LATELY?)

[SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE LOOKING FOR THE ENTRANCE TO THE BASE. SUDDENLY, ALL THREE ARE SURROUNDED BY TRANSPORT RINGS AND DISAPPEAR.]

AUDIENCE: Um, found it?

SNIT: And Sam didn't need a *bit* of backup, nope.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET GATE AREA

[REYNOLDS CHECKS HIS WATCH AND TRIES TO CONTACT SG-.75, BUT GETS NO RESPONSE. HE ORDERS ANOTHER TEAM MEMBER WITH HIM, LEAVING ONE BEHIND TO REPORT BACK TO EARTH IF THEY DON'T MAKE RADIO CONTACT IN TEN MINUTES. AN AL'KESH APPEARS OVERHEAD AND FIRES AT THEM.]

REYNOLDS: Son of a bitch!

AUDIENCE: Pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK'S ACTUALLY DOING PAPERWORK, WHEN GILMOR ENTERS, SAYING REYNOLDS HAS LOST CONTACT WITH SG-.75.]

AUDIENCE: And all that "not getting my memos" karma comes home to roost...

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[REYNOLDS REPORTS TO JACK VIA THE MALP CAMERA. THE AL'KESH BUZZED THE GATE, AND THERE'S BEEN NO SIGNS OF THE ENEMY SINCE, BUT THEY HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CONTACT SG-.75 IN 19 MINUTES. JACK ORDERS SG-10 AND SG-12 TO GO THROUGH THE GATE AS BACKUP.]

INT. SGC CORRIDORS

[JACK AND LEE ARE WALKING THROUGH A JUNGLE... ER, THE CORRIDOR, WHICH IS COVERED IN LEAVES AND VINES.]

AUDIENCE: Yeah, there wasn't a stick of greenery left in any craft stores for a hundred miles.

[SILER IS USING A BLOW TORCH ON THE PLANT, BUT WITHOUT SUCCESS.]

SLASHERS: Siler, you hor! What will your wrench think?!

[LEE SNEEZES, AND SAYS HE THINKS THE PLANT IS SPREADING AIRBORNE SPORES.]

AUDIENCE: So, we can afford greenery but not blossoms?

WRITERS: They weren't on sale.

INT. GATEROOM ENTRANCE

[JACK IS HEADED TOWARDS THE GATEROOM, BUT MEETS REYNOLDS JUST OUTSIDE. REYNOLDS REPORTS THERE'S NO SIGN OF SG-.75, AND JACK REMINDS HIM HE WAS SENT TO WATCH THEIR BACKS.]

REYNOLDS: Colonel Carter insisted we secure the gate.

SNIT: You'd better watch it, bud. That's Our National Treasure you're talking about. You say something bad about her, and the next thing you know, you're wearing a red shirt.

[ANNOUNCING AN INCOMING WORMHOLE AT GATEROOM NUMBER ONE.]

SNIT: And yet another opportunity to have Sam knocked down off her pedestal is ignored.

WRITERS: Um... like, duh. [polishes pedestal]

INT. GATEROOM

[JACK ENTERS THE GATEROOM AND IS SOON GREETED BY A HOLOGRAM OF BA'AL.]

JACK: And what do you want?

BA'AL: I have your friends.

[BA'AL WANTS TO TRADE SG-.75 FOR CAMULUS. JACK SAYS HE WANTS TO THINK ABOUT IT, BA'AL GIVES HIM ONE DAY.]

AUDIENCE: And Jack doesn't react in any way to the fact that Ba'al tortured him to death, over and over?

WRITERS: We... uh, *he* forgot all about it.

CAMULUS FANS: We think Ba'al's getting the *much* better deal in this trade. As long as they send Camulus dressed in his kilt.

DANIEL FANS: That was a joke, right?

TEAL'C FANS: We do not understand the humor in that statement.

SAM FANS: They weren't smiling when they said it.

S/J SHIPPERS: To get his Sam back, Jack would strip Cammie nekkid and shove him through the gate.

CAMULUS FANS: [thud] (from the floor) We like that plan! Downright genius!

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

THREE DAYS TO ZERO HOUR...

[GILMOR REPORTS THAT NO ONE SEEMS TO HAVE ANY INTEL ON THE WHEREABOUTS OF SG-.75, AND THAT CAMULUS IS BEING TRANSFERRED TO THE SGC FROM A SECURE LOCATION.]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK AND REYNOLDS ARE DISCUSSING THE POSSIBLE PRISONER EXCHANGE, WHEN GILMOR ENTERS, TELLING THEM CAMULUS HAS ARRIVED.]

CAMULUS FANS: [shiver]

[JACK ORDERS REYNOLDS TO HAVE HIS TEAM READY, THEN LEAVES.]

GILMOR: Isn't it already too late?

REYNOLDS: General O'Neill was once captured by Ba'al. He was tortured, killed, and brought back to life using a sarcophagus more times than you would care to imagine. SG-1 never gave up then, and General O'Neill won't now. There isn't a man or woman on this base that would.

AUDIENCE: Thank you, Backstory Exposition Guy.

INT. SGC HOLDING CELL

[CAMULUS IS SITTING IN THE CELL, WEARING A GRAY JUMPSUIT.]

CAMULUS FANS: What. The. Hell?

KILT FANS: What they said. We're lodging a protest for the immediate return of the kilt. And gray is *so* not his color.

[JACK ENTERS AND TELLS CAMULUS ABOUT BA'AL'S EXCHANGE OFFER AND ASKS WHY BA'AL WANTS CAMULUS.]

CAMULUS: There are many possible reasons.

JACK: Pick one.

SLASHERS: We have some ideas. And we can't just pick one.

[JACK ASKS WHY HE SHOULDN'T TURN CAMULUS OVER TO BA'AL.]

CAMULUS: Ba'al cannot be trusted.

JACK: Yeah?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, like duh.

CAMULUS: No matter what you do he will never return your friends to you.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[A HAND-CUFFED CAMULUS IS BEING ESCORTED BY SFS, WITH JACK FOLLOWING.]

BDSMERS: Y'all need any help? Or our address?

[GILMOR JOINS THE ENTOURAGE, SAYING THAT JACK'S GOING AGAINST PRISONER EXCHANGE POLICY.]

JACK: He's not a prisoner. He requested asylum. I'm ungranting it.

AUDIENCE: Jack's using logic. Wow.

GILMOR: You could be court-martialed.

JACK: You know, if it gets my team back, I don't care.

TEAM FANS: Squee!

GILMOR: But you know it won't. You're sacrificing him for nothing.

INT. GATEROOM

[AS GILMOR WATCHES FROM THE CONTROL ROOM, THE GATE IS ACTIVATED. JACK TAKES CAMULUS' ARM AND LEADS HIM UP THE RAMP AND STOPS AT THE EVENT HORIZON AND FACE EACH OTHER.]

SLASHERS: [snicker]

NOROMOS: A snicker and not a squee? OK, we'll ask. Why?

SLASHERS: We were just reminded of the "white wedding on the gate ramp" the Shippers want so badly. This *so* isn't it, but we're enjoying the view.

S/J SHIPPERS: [fume]

SLASHERS: Hey, *they* asked, we just answered!

NOROMOS: And we're sorry on both counts.

JACK: I've done everything I can. It's up to you. Last chance.

CAMULUS: In spite of what you think, I am not a coward.

JACK: I think you are.

[CAMULUS FACES THE EVENT HORIZON, WHILE JACK ROLLS HIS EYES.]

JACK: Well, it was worth a try.

[JACK ORDERS CAMULUS RETURNED TO HIS CELL. BACK IN THE CONTROL ROOM, GILMOR ASKS CHEVRON GUY IF IT WAS A BLUFF.]

AUDIENCE: Um, duh?

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK IS ABOUT TO ENTER AN ELEVATOR WHEN GILMOR JOINS HIM.]

GILMOR: You could have told me, Sir. How can I do my job if you don't trust me?

JACK: Not my problem.

BDSMERS: But trust is essential!

[AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE, GILMOR TELLS HIM THAT CAMULUS WANTS TO TALK TO HIM.]

INT. HOLDING CELL

CAMULUS: I cannot stay here. If Ba'al is truly so determined to have revenge he won't stop at this. It is not safe for you to harbor me anymore.

[CAMULUS SAYS HE'S WILLING TO LEAVE, BECAUSE WHEN HE REQUESTED ASYLUM HE DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PRISONER. HE TELLS JACK OF A PLANET WITH A DEVICE CREATED BY THE ANCIENTS. CAMULUS COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT, BUT MAYBE THE SGC CAN, AND THAT IT'S PROBABLY THE REASON WHY BA'AL IS SO HOT TO GET CAMULUS.]

SLASHERS: Yeah, sure, *that's* the reason.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK IS WORKING ON HIS LETTER TO HAMMOND AGAIN, WHEN HE'S INTERRUPTED BY AN UNSCHEDULED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[JACK ENTERS AND CHEVRON GUY TELLS HIM THEY'RE RECEIVING SG-3'S IDC.]

INT. GATEROOM

[JACK ENTERS AND GREETS SG-3.]

REYNOLDS: Just like you said, Sir. Some sort of Ancient device the size of a large room.

JACK: Any idea what it does?

REYNOLDS: I'll... leave that up to the tech guys. But I can tell you this. I know why I couldn't turn it on.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[REYNOLDS OPENS A CASE CONTAINING A ZPM, AND SAYS IT WASN'T PLUGGED IN.]

GILMOR: What... what is it?

JACK: It's a ZPM.

GILMOR: What is that?

MCKAY FANS: Zed pee em.

AUDIENCE: What?

MCKAY FANS: "Zed pee em" is how it's properly pronounced.

AUDIENCE: No, what are you *doing* here?

MCKAY FANS: Killing time with cheap shots at inter-show continuity until the Atlantis Breadboxes are done. Besides, our show is next.

AUDIENCE: Then we'll need more snacks.

MCKAY FANS: Nothing with citrus, thanks bunches.

[LEE ENTERS, TO SAVE JACK FROM HAVING TO SPOUT ANYTHING RESEMBLING TECHNOBABBLE.]

S/J SHIPPERS: That's Sam's job!

SLASHERS: No, it's Danny's!

LEE: A Zero Point Module. It's an Ancient power source that draws its energy from subspace.

REYNOLDS: It's the only thing powerful enough to activate the Ancient defense weapons SG-1 found down in Antarctica.

[REYNOLDS EXPLAINS THE ONE THEY HAD IS PRETTY MUCH DEAD, BUT LEE SAYS THE NEW ONE IS AT LEAST 50% CHARGED. THEN LIGHTS GO OUT, AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY MOOD LIGHTING THAT COMES ON. LEE LEAVES THE ROOM.]

JACK: It's that damn plant.

AUDIENCE: Feed me, Seymour!

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[ALL THE MONITORS LOSE POWER AND THE BACKUP DOESN'T KICK IN.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

JACK: We paid the electric bill. I checked.

[LEE EXPLAINS THAT THE PLANT IS IN THE WALL, INTERFERING WITH POWER AND COMMUNICATION LINES. AS LONG AS ANY PART IS EXPOSED TO LIGHT, IT WILL CONTINUE TO SPREAD.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[JACK ENTERS, CHEVRON GUY TELLS HIM THE DIALING COMPUTER IS STILL OFFLINE. SILER IS UNDER A DESK, WORKING ON RESTORING POWER.]

SLASHERS: Suuuuure he was. Where's the wrench? Is he stepping out on her, er, it? And after the incident with the blowtorch?

AUDIENCE: We think we saw the wrench screwing around in one of the corridors.

SLASHERS: [...]

AUDIENCE: What? Yes, we meant it that way, the wrench and the corridor were just *made* for each other.

[THEY CAN RECEIVE INCOMING WORMHOLES, RECEIVE COMMUNICATION, AND MANUALLY CONTROL THE IRIS, BUT THEY CAN'T MANUALLY DIAL THE GATE.]

INT. SGC SLEEPING QUARTERS

TWO DAYS TO ZERO HOUR...

[JACK'S ASLEEP, BUT GILMOR ENTERS AND WAKES HIM UP.]

JACK: It feels like it's been ten minutes.

GILMOR: Yeah... uh... it has. There's an incoming wormhole. Ba'al wants to talk.

SLASHERS: Not nearly as nice as when Daniel wakes you up, is it?

REALLY DARK SLASHERS: Ba'al wakes Jack up just fine.

INT. GATEROOM

[JACK AND GILMOR ARRIVE. BA'AL'S HOLOIMAGE IS AT THE BASE OF THE RAMP. HE'S SAYING THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED, BUT JACK TELLS HIM THEY'RE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.]

AUDIENCE: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

BA'AL: Are your friends' lives meaningless to you?

TEAM FANS: Sometimes, we wonder...

JACK: Hey! This is not a stall tactic. I would have called you sooner but we can't dial out at the moment.

BA'AL: Why not?

JACK: Well, I'm not really sure. Here's some irony for you. Carter? Have this thing fixed like that! No offense there, Siler.

SILER (OVER INTERCOM): Uh... none taken, Sir.

SNIT: We're offended on your behalf. If little Sammikins is so freaking important to the day-to-day operation of the gate, then why is she allowed offworld at all?

SILER FANS: Don't be offended on his behalf, you should have *heard* what he was saying before he turned the mike on.

SILER/WRENCH SHIPPERS: It wasn't pretty.

JACK: So, why don't you just send her on through. Before you know it you'll have ole "Camelass" back in your grubby little mitts.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

SNIT: And no mention of the rest of the team being returned, just Miss National Treasure?

S/J SHIPPERS: Who cares? Squee, dammit, squee!

CAMULUS FANS: Camelass? You'll pay for that one.

BA'AL: You dare mock me.

JACK: Ba'al, come on. You should know. Of course I dare mock you.

REALLY DARK SLASHERS: It's foreplay, dude. Get with the program!

BA'AL: You have one more day.

[THE HOLOIMAGE DISAPPEARS.]

GILMOR: Is it really wise to provoke him?

JACK: It's what I do.

AUDIENCE: Unfortunately, that's pretty much all you do. That and Cosmic Giddiness (tm).

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[DAVIS AND REYNOLDS ARE MEETING WITH JACK. DAVIS EXPLAINS THEY'VE BEEN MANUFACTURING A VARIANT OF THE TOK'RA DEVELOPED POISON TO USE AS A DEFENSIVE WEAPON. THEY COULD KILL A SIZEABLE ENEMY FORCE, BUT THE POISON KILLS JAFFA AND GOA'ULD INDISCRIMINATELY.]

JACK: So, it's not really a rescue plan. It's a full-scale attack.

REYNOLDS: That would most certainly provoke a reaction. Possibly another attack on Earth.

DAVIS: But, considering the fact that we now have a ZPM to power the Ancient defenses I don't think...

DAVIS FANS: We think someone should turn up the damn lights in this scene. We get less than five minutes in this show, and we can barely see our boy!

MCKAY FANS: Zed pee-

AUDIENCE: Shut UP. It is NOT your turn yet.

BOUNCER #1: I thought you took care of that?

BOUNCER #2: They got here *after* we served the lemon drop cake.

BOUNCER #1: Dammit, they're going to dock our pay over this.

[GILMORE ENTERS, SAYING CAMULUS WANTS TO TALK TO JACK AGAIN.]

INT. HOLDING CELL

[CAMULUS DEMANDS TO KNOW WHY HE HASN'T BEEN RELEASED, SINCE THEY DID FIND SOMETHING ON THE PLANET HE TOLD THEM ABOUT. AND WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING "CAMELASS" OUTSIDE HIS CELL AND SNICKERING?]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[GILMOR AND LEE ARE WALKING DOWN THE PLANT-COVERED CORRIDOR, IN HAZMAT GEAR.

LEE: Gamma radiation seems to work. We're preparing a method of delivering a strong enough level to the entire base all at once. Now, non-essential personnel are going to have to be evacuated. Everyone else is going to have to wear protective suits. You have to get General O'Neill to sign off on this right away.

AUDIENCE: And didn't gamma radiation have something to do with the Fantastic Four? The SGC used to have its own, you know. Fantastic foursome, that is.

GILMOR: You know, he hasn't slept in over two days.

LEE: Yeah, that's why I'm asking you to do it.

AUDIENCE: OK, so very official... we (heart) Lee.

SLASHERS: Normally, he'd get Daniel to do it, but since he's away...

INT. SGC, YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR

[JACK AND AN AIDE TO THE PRESIDENT ARE IN HAZMAT GEAR. THE AIDE SAYS HE'S CANCELING THE PRESIDENT'S VISIT.]

JACK: Really? Why would you do that?

AIDE: I'm surprised you can joke at a time like this.

AUDIENCE: We're not.

JACK: That's pretty much all I can do at the moment.

AUDIENCE: That's pretty much all you can do at *any* moment.

[THE ONLY BRIGHT SIDE TO THE SITUATION IS THEY'VE FOUND A ZPM.]

JACK: Give it another day.

AIDE: You think you can get everything resolved by then?

JACK: Wait a minute. I think there's a joke in there somewhere.

[THEY ENTER AN ELEVATOR.]

JACK: Got nothing!

AUDIENCE: Small mercy.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK IS WORKING ON HIS LETTER TO HAMMOND AGAIN.]

JACK: And so, I regretfully submit my resignation. And to be clear, the regret is not so much about the resigning part, but the fact that I was deluded enough to think I had possessed even one iota of the ability needed to fill your sizeable and shiny shoes.

AUDIENCE: Amen.

HAMMOND FANS: [sob]

[THE POWER COMES BACK ON, AND GILMOR ENTERS, SAYING LEE FEELS CONFIDENT THE PLANT HAS BEEN FULLY ERADICATED, AND THE DIALING COMPUTER IS BACK ONLINE.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[CAMULUS IS BEING ESCORTED BY SECURITY.]

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[CHEVRON GUY, GILMOR AND JACK ARE LOOKING OUT AT THE GATEROOM.]

GILMOR: You're releasing him?

JACK: I made a deal. We got a ZPM.

GILMOR: Look, I know we can finally dial Pegasus again and still defend Earth if we have to, but...

AUDIENCE: Any chance we can leave certain people in the Pegasus Galaxy? We've got a list.

ATLANTIS SLASHERS: Dunno, folks. Roster's pretty full already.

NOROMOS: And what are YOU doing here?

ATLANTIS SLASHERS: Our show's about to start and by start, we mean with No Break Whatsoever between your end and our opener. [heh] Your end goes right into...

NOROMOS: Just. Stop. There.

[THE PHONE RINGS. IT'S LEE, WITH A MESSAGE FOR JACK. AFTER HEARING WHAT HE HAS TO SAY, HE ORDERS THE DIALING SEQUENCE ABORTED.]

INT. DR. LEE'S LAB

[THE ZPM IS ON HIS DESK, GLOWING BRIGHTLY.]

LEE: Basically, it shouldn't be glowing like this.

AUDIENCE: You learned Daniel's lessons well down in South America, didn't you? Glowing equals bad. At least there're not any zombies this time. Well, unless you count how Jack acts sometimes.

JACK: Why is it?

LEE: Well, it's funny really.

JACK: I like funny.

AUDIENCE: So do we, but you're just not that good at it anymore.

LEE: No, this isn't the good kind of funny. I think it was the gamma radiation we used to kill the plant that revealed this.

JACK: Revealed what?

LEE: It illuminated a substance foreign to what we know to be the normal molecular make-up of a ZPM.

JACK: And?

LEE: Well, we managed to scrape some microscopic fragments from the casing and run some tests and uh... You're going to want these.

[HE GIVES JACK AND GILMOR GOGGLES.]

LEE: This is what happens when you introduce a constant electric charge.

[SHIT GOES BOOM.]

WRITERS: Yeeee-HAW!

AUDIENCE: Just couldn't go a whole hour without another hit, could you?

JACK: The ZPM is booby trapped?

TEENAGE BOYS THAT ARE TPTB'S TARGET AUDIENCE: Jack said booby. [snicker]

LEE: We were going to send it to Antarctica. Can you imagine if someone had taken it and plugged it into the chair in the Ancient Outpost? I can't even imagine the magnitude of the explosion. A charged ZPM detonating that? I don't know, I mean, it could have destroyed the whole planet.

GILMOR: That's why Camulus was so eager to leave.

JACK: Can you undo it?

LEE: Uh... well, you know we haven't actually...

JACK: Yes or no?

[LEE SHAKES HIS HEAD.]

AUDIENCE: So now the big, red RESET buttons on why the SGC can't reach Pegasus have to glow, too?

INT. HOLDING CELL

JACK: When you couldn't figure out what the Ancient device was for, you tampered with the power source so nobody else could.

CAMULUS: I did nothing of the kind.

JACK (CHIDINGLY): Cammy.

SLASHERS: Cammy? Missing scene!

CAMULUS: Worth a try.

JACK: Here's the deal. How would you like a chance to kill Ba'al?

CAMULUS: In exchange, you want me to use the Ancient device to trade for the lives of your friends.

JACK: Exactly.

CAMULUS: Amusing.

INT. GATEROOM

[CAMULUS IS BACK IN THE KILT.]

CAMULUS AND KILT FANS: Yes! Can we do a kilt check to see if he's regimental?

CAMULUS: No.

CAMULUS AND KILT FANS: [whine]

BDSMERS: Oh, we *like* him.

REALLY DARK JACK/BA'AL SLASHERS: Hors!

[JACK ENTERS WITH A CASE CONTAINING THE ZPM. HE GIVES IT TO REYNOLDS, AND OPENS IT TO SHOW CAMULUS THE CONTENTS. REYNOLDS THEN ESCORTS CAMULUS TO ANOTHER PLANET TO WAIT FOR THE PRISONER EXCHANGE.]

LATER...

[SG-3 RETURNS, TELLING JACK THEY WAITED AN EXTRA HOUR, BUT THERE WAS NO SIGN OF SG-.75.]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

ONE DAY TO ZERO HOUR...

[JACK IS STILL TYPING HIS LETTER TO HAMMOND WHEN GILMOR TELLS HIM REYNOLDS WANTS TO SEE HIM.]

INT. GATEROOM

[JACK ARRIVES TO FIND SEVERAL OF THE SG TEAMS ARE GATHERED.]

JACK: What's going on?

REYNOLDS: General, we just wanted you to know. Whatever you decide. We're behind you one hundred percent. You just need to give the order and we're ready to go.

JACK: I know you are, Colonel. Thank you.

TEAM FANS: [sniff] Leave us alone. [sniff] We've got something in our eye.

INT. SGC LOCKER ROOM

[JACK HAS CHANGED OUT OF HIS UNIFORM AND IS SITTING ON A BENCH.]

JACK FANS: Dammit, we missed the good stuff!

[JACK MOVES TO HIS LOCKER, AND AS HE CLOSES THE DOOR, HE SEES THE NAMES ON THE LOCKERS NEXT TO HIS -- TEAL'C AND D. JACKSON. HE LOOKS AT THEM FOR A WHILE, THEN WALKS AWAY.]

AUDIENCE: Wouldn't Jack have his own area to change now that he's General? We never saw Hammond in the team locker room.

TEAM FANS: It's symbolic. Jack's still a part of the team, at least in spirit.

SLASHERS: Whatever lets you sleep at night. That sort of scene tends to keep us awake at night, what with the plot bunnies nibbling at our ankles. Take *that* shippers!

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK'S LEAVING THE BASE, BUT AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS BEGIN TO CLOSE, AN OFFWORLD ACTIVATION ALARM GOES OFF.]

OFFWORLD ACTIVATION ALARM: I *really* need a vacation.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK AND SEVERAL SFS ARE RUNNING ALONG THE CORRIDOR. GILMOR RUNS TO MEET O'NEILL.]

AUDIENCE: There's so much running up and down the corridor... are we *sure* this wasn't written by M&M?

RCC: Yes, I'm completely sure.

GILMOR: It's SG-1's identification code. Sergeant O'Brian transmitted a hold signal back through the Gate and is awaiting your instruction.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[JACK AND GILMOR ENTER AND GO TO O'BRIAN, WHO IS AT THE CONTROLS.]

AUDIENCE: I guess this is the "late night" shift, if you'll pardon the pun.

DANIEL FANS: Huh? [...] Wait... this guy looks familiar... [light dawns] This is the idiot from the Conan *O'Brian* show that ranted that SG-1 was better off without Daniel, isn't it?

AUDIENCE: Yes, that's him.

DANIEL FANS: [plotting]

O'BRIAN: We have audio contact, Sir. It's Colonel Carter.

JACK (INTO MICROPHONE): Carter?

[THE SOUND OF GUNFIRE CAN BE HEARD OVER THE RADIO.]

SAM (OVER RADIO): We're under heavy fire, Sir. Open the iris.

JACK (INTO MICROPHONE): Negative.

SNIT: Hah!

EXT. ALIEN PLANET

[SHIT GOES BOOM AROUND SG-.75.]

AUDIENCE: Can't boom just once, can we?

WRITERS: Haven't you figured it out? Less team, more boom!

TEAM FANS: Unfortunately, we *had* figured that out.

JACK (OVER RADIO): Can you re-route?

SAM (OVER RADIO): Negative, the DHD is no longer accessible.

AUDIENCE: If the DHD is no longer accessible, and they're being shot at left and right, how do they expect to get to the gate in one piece?

WRITERS: [...] Sam will figure it out.

AUDIENCE: Hate to break it to you, boys, but *you* are the ones who have to figure it out before Sam can.

WRITERS: [hushed whispers among themselves] Um... we'll get back to you.

DANIEL (OVER RADIO): Jack, what's going on?

JACK (OVER RADIO): You've been in enemy hands. You know the protocol. We have no way of knowing if your iris code is secure.

SNIT: Let the record note that the National Treasure didn't ask what was wrong.

SLASHERS: And let the record also show that Jack told *Daniel*, not Sam.

S/J SHIPPERS: Let the record further show that Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter knows the protocols without asking! Nyeah!

SNIT: Except where obeying orders is concerned?

S/J SHIPPERS: [...]

DANIEL (OVER RADIO): What the hell are you talking about?

JACK (OVER RADIO): You were captured by Ba'al.

SNIT: Let the record show...

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh, shut up.

DANIEL (OVER RADIO): Ba'al? We're on P2X-887. We were trapped in Anubis' secret base. When we came out we had Jaffa waiting for us at the Gate.

[TEAL'C SHOOTS SEVERAL JAFFA, THEN TELLS SAM THEY APPEAR TO BE LOYAL TO BA'AL. SAM REMINDS JACK THAT THE GATE'S GOING TO SHUT DOWN AND THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO DIAL OUT AGAIN. JACK DECIDES TO OPEN THE GATE ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH IT'S AGAINST PROCEDURE.]

S/J SHIPPERS: He couldn't let her possibly be lost to him forever!

SNIT: We could.

NOROMOS: Oh, please. It's not like Hammond hasn't opened the gate for the team under similar circumstances, and there's no romantic relationships there.

SLASHERS: Well, not unless you count the Jacob/Hammond Slash Contingent. Hammond might be unduly influenced to not follow orders if Sam's involved, to keep her Daddy happy.

NOROMOS: [...] Ack.

[STAFF BLASTS COME THROUGH THE GATE, BUT DANIEL, TEAL'C AND SAM COME RUNNING THROUGH UNSCATHED.]

AUDIENCE (CHANTING): Science FICTION. Science FICTION. Science FICTION.

INT. GATEROOM

[JACK ENTERS AND GREETS SG-.75.]

JACK:: So... trapped in a secret base, all this time. Go figure.

AUDIENCE: Not been watching the show, eh?

TEAL'C: The wrist device allowed us access.

DANIEL: We couldn't get back out.

SNIT: And whose fault was it that they went off without backup?

SAM: You thought Ba'al had captured us?

JACK: That's what he said.

SAM: How did he even know we were missing?

SNIT: His Jaffa saw the "dumb blonde" leading the team, and knew they'd get lost?

[JACK MENTIONS REYNOLDS SAY AN AL'KESH, SO SG-.75 THEORIZE BA'AL WAS LOOKING FOR THE BASE AS WELL, AND PROBABLY PICKED UP THEIR RADIO COMMUNICATIONS. BA'AL'S JAFFA COULDN'T FIND THE BASE, BUT THEY FIGURED IF THEY COULD FIND SG-.75, THEY'D FIND THE BASE TOO.]

JACK: It's a great story.

AUDIENCE: It is? Would have been a lot more interesting than discussions about fricking bunting, that's for damn sure.

JACK: More importantly... did Anubis leave anything cool behind?

DANIEL: Not really, no.

JACK: Nuts!

SLASHERS: [perk]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[THE CORRIDOR IS DECORATED WITH BUNTING.]

SGC CORRIDOR: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay...

SILER'S WRENCH: Ixnay, on the gay thing. If the writers hear, they'll write us out of the show. That's why we never see the gate anymore, you know. They thought the gate connecting to offworld gates had too much lesbian subtext. Even the occasional missile launch through her wasn't enough to appease them.

[CARTER AND O'NEILL MEET IN THE CORRIDOR.]

NOROMOS: Hang on a sec, let us get our earplugs in.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

[SAM COMMENTS ON JACK NOT BEING DRESSED UP FOR THE OCCASION, BUT HE SAYS HE'S ON THE WAY TO CHANGE.]

S/J SHIPPERS: But he's already seen the bride before the wedding.

NOROMOS: [rolls eyes]

SAM: Sir, I wanted to talk to you...

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh, really now? [bated breath]

JACK: Carter. Your evaluation is done, and I think you'd be very pleased.

S/J SHIPPERS: Nuts!

SLASHERS: [perk] Dammit, quit doing that!

SAM: Really?

JACK You had doubts?

SAM: Honestly? I was wondering whether you were completely confident in my leadership skills.

SNIT: We think the big question here is whether the *writers* are completely confident in your skills at being anything other than The Girl.

JACK: Aren't you?

SAM: I've been second guessing myself for ordering SG-3 to remain at the Gate.

SNIT: And damn right you should be second guessing yourself. Idiot. You could have gotten the entire team killed, along with anyone sent to rescue your girly little ass.

JACK: Oh, phshaw!

SNIT: Phshaw? She pretty much disobeyed orders. Do you think Hammond, or any other person for that matter, would let her off with a "pshaw"?

S/J SHIPPERS: But they're in wuv!

SNIT: We rest our case.

NOROMOS: Ditto.

[THEY BEGIN WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.]

JACK: Standard recon. Your tactics in dealing with the ambush, perfect. You should read what Teal'c and Daniel wrote about your conduct under fire.

SAM: Can I?

JACK: No.

SAM: Damn!

JACK: Teal'c said you were an animal.

NOROMOS: We believe the exact phrase used was, "Bitch in heat for her CO," but we can see where the confusion comes into play.

SAM: Such an exaggerator.

NOROMOS: Not with our definition, he's not.

JACK: Yeah. Isn't he? Well, this is where I go to take off the clothes I prefer, and don the clothes I abhor.

[JACK IS ABOUT TO ENTER A ROOM.]

SAM: Um... Sir, quickly. I... I wanted to talk to you about something else. I was reading Doctor Lee's report about the tainted ZPM? I think he may have underestimated the explosive potential. It could have actually destroyed the entire solar system.

JACK: What's the difference?

AUDIENCE: So Dumb!Jack is back? And we never missed him.

JACK FANS: Considering all life on Earth is wiped out either way, there IS no practical difference between the two explosions.

AUDIENCE: We might have been joking!

JACK FANS: Leave that to Jack.

AUDIENCE: Ummmm... Like that's been doing any good lately?

SAM: Well, my point is, if we figured it out so could Ba'al. He could use it as a weapon against us.

JACK: All true, Carter. Which is exactly why I didn't give Camulus the tainted one.

SAM: Sir?

JACK: I gave him the dead one. It's worthless, right?

JACK FANS: Jack's being smart for a change, instead of acting like General Jackass. We like.

[SAM NODS HER HEAD.]

SAM: Ba'al's going to be pretty pissed at Camulus.

JACK: Yeah.

BDSMERS: Oh, the fun they'll have. Ba'al's into bondage, and Camulus is into leather. Correction... Oh, the fun *we'll* have.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

ZERO HOUR...

[JACK IS AT HIS DESK READING PAPERS WHEN GILMOR ANNOUNCES THE PRESIDENT'S ARRIVAL. HE THEN TELLS JACK THAT HE'LL BE LEAVING TOMORROW. HE WAS ASSIGNED TO DO A SORT OF CIVILIAN AUDIT. NOT OF THE SGC, BUT OF JACK.

JACK: I know.

GILMOR: You do?

JACK: General Hammond told me.

GILMOR: Well, he wasn't supposed to.

JACK: Well, don't tell anyone.

AUDIENCE: It'll be our little secret.

SLASHERS: We know *lots* of secrets.

[GILMOR SAYS THE PREZ WANTED TO BE SURE JACK WAS SETTLED IN BEFORE FULLY ENDORSING HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE FACILITY. HE GOES ON TO SAY HE HAS A LOT OF RESPECT FOR WHAT THE SGC IS DOING, AND FOR JACK.]

AUDIENCE: Is that a touch of brown we see on Gilmor's nose?

[JACK PUTS ON HIS DRESS BLUES JACKET IN PREPARATION TO MEET THE PRESIDENT.]

JACK FANS: [thud]

JACK: Oh, by the way. Did you let those Amoran delegates go?

GILMOR: I did, Sir, yes. Major Davis said they seemed much more willing to negotiate now.

JACK: Do you think they liked the fruit basket?

GILMOR: I think so, Sir.

JACK: Good. I put a lot of thought into that.

AUDIENCE: Don't do that. It's not like you got a lot of thought to go around in the last couple of seasons.

SLASHERS: And we *knew* he was protesting too much at the beginning about the bunting.

[JACK AND GILMOR LEAVE THE ROOM. THE CAMERA PANS TO THE RESIGNATION LETTER JACK WAS WRITING TO HAMMOND. ABOVE JACK'S SIGNATURE ARE THE WORDS, "NEVER MIND."

AUDIENCE: So we finally get an ep with several scenes with Jack, but the rest of the team is MIA most of the time?

WRITERS: Yes. We have to stick to an unusual schedule you see...

AUDIENCE: We'll tell you where you can stick that unusual schedule.

FADE OUT

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, ICON. DANIEL WHUMPING ALERT, LEVEL RED. WE HAVE REPORTS OF A NIPPLE SIGHTING. REPEAT, WE HAVE REPORTS OF A NIPPLE SIGHTING. SET YOUR VIDEO RECORDING DEVICE OF CHOICE AND HAVE ICE AT THE READY.

DANIEL FANS: Um... is the ice for us to cool off, or for the nipplage?

SLASHERS: Is that a trick question?

DANIEL FANS: And just a note to the rest of the fans... You'll never see O'Brien again. He's... otherwise indisposed.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: [sigh] Do you have *any* idea how hard it is to get blood stains out?


End file.
